i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
