one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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