I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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