it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We got so high we made milksteak
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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