You're my little dorito
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I AM VODKA MAN
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
