So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
