Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
where does the pee come out of this thing
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
