I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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