My ATM looks so different sober.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
