Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
