Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
