I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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