I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
