I wish my penis had an off switch
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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