if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
