3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
