someone owes me an orgasm
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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