Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
