Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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