The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
