I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize