respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
