he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
