Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
