My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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