I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Can I color on your dick again?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
