so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
