i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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