Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
