Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You took a bar mat shot.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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