I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
