1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
