I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
