I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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