someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
