Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
