OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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