I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
