Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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