Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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