Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
