pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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