happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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