i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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