Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
