I love black thongs
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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