DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
