You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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