so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
