he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
