At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
