capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i wish my penis had a tongue
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
