I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
