Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize