I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
