i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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