Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
