I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
