I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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