I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Oh god it's open bar.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
